The owner of the Music Palace is apparently so confident that he will get his licence that he is planning a ‘Special Guest’ to open his new venture.

Showing that we are not bitter, we have decide to help him out by suggesting a few candidates

1) Richard Timney (Jacqui Smith’s husband)

Maybe he could claim a private dance on expenses?

2) Peter Stringfellow

You just don’t get hair like that anymore – it’s beautiful

3) Freddy Shepherd

This lovely man was Newcastle United chairman, famous for being caught on a secret camera saying “Me, I like blondes, big bust, good legs. I don’t like coloured girls. I want a lesbian show with handcuffs…” He is a business man, though.

And here is a list of who will NOT be invited

1) Hugh Grant

The 1995 version of Hugh will maybe have been attracted to Tottenham Lane’s forthcoming prostitutes (Haringey have confirmed that lap dance bars can attract prostitutes, so forget about suing us) but the 2009 version seems to have got his act together, and even acts occasionally these days

2) Boris Johnson

‘BJ’ would unfortunatly fail the Music Palace strict dress code

3) Any resident from Crouch End, or any shop owner. Or anybody who has had sex with a consenting partner in the last 10 years.


  1. Stephanie P says:

    I love it!
    I vote for Peter Stringfellow.

    From the Telegraph report of the House of Commons Select Committee Hearing on lap dancing clubs last year:

    “Mr Stringfellow appeared to have succumbed to a case of secondary Prescott, which caused him to talk at great speed and at great length, on a wide range of disparate topics.

    Here’s a random extract from one of his answers. “All they have to do now is say ‘no nudity’ and they have to explain why no nudity, and they bring up police and everyone else, and we have to go up and explain all objections regarding alcohol, dancing, I’m not going into history lessons, we’ve gone into these very correctly because I don’t want to be quoted by the press and be made a fool of later on, we say I want to open one, they say you can’t, and off we go …”….”

  2. lapoff says:

    It’s a stream of consciousness! He obviously reads a lot of Jack Kerouac when he’s not busy at his ‘clubs’

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