What’s it actually like in a lap dancing bar? Just ask Jeremy Clarkson, that famous champion of women’s rights. Even he knows the score …

“Usually there is a handful of girls – all called Becki and all with unwise artwork on their shoulders and bones in their noses – sitting around wearing bits of chiffon and £1.99 underwear that was billed in the catalogue as “erotic” but is no such thing.

After a little while, a Becki will come over and tell you, usually in a Birmingham accent, that she likes to do lesbionics with her friends when the bar closes, in the hope that you will be so aroused that you’ll give her 20 quid for a dance.

It’s not a dance that your grandparents would recognise. In fact, you don’t dance at all. You just sit there, with your hands over your ears to drown out the music, while the girl takes off her mum’s net curtain and puts two bagfuls of silicone near your face.”

Get me on the membership now!!

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